Book Review: The Marriage You Want by Sheila Wray Gregoire and Keith Gregoire

A Call to Pastors for Better Marriages and Better Ministry

Sheila and Keith Gregoire’s The Marriage You Want is more than a marriage advice book—it’s a wake-up call. Rooted in data and real stories, the authors challenge harmful assumptions about Christian marriage and offer a vision of healthy, mutual partnership grounded in love, respect, and biblical truth.

One of the book’s most powerful takeaways is this: partnership—not money, sex, or parenting differences—is the key predictor of marital satisfaction. This finding should resonate deeply with pastors, many of whom carry heavy ministry responsibilities while expecting their spouses to quietly support them without true shared leadership at home.

Pastors are often quick to exegete Scripture carefully for their sermons, yet many fail to apply that same care to what they model in their marriages. The Marriage You Want pushes readers to question inherited ideas about authority and submission, often shaped more by church culture than Scripture.

This is where Beth Allison Barr’s Becoming the Pastor’s Wife becomes an important companion text. Barr exposes the historical and cultural baggage behind the "pastor’s wife" role—often unspoken, unpaid, and unacknowledged. She calls for churches to rethink how they view pastoral leadership as a team. When pastors treat their wives as co-laborers rather than silent helpers, both the marriage and the ministry thrive.

The mental load many pastor wives carry—event planning, hospitality, emotional support, unspoken expectations—can quietly erode a marriage. When unacknowledged and unshared, this burden creates burnout, resentment, and isolation. Churches suffer, too, when the leadership’s home life is fractured.

For pastors reading The Marriage You Want, the challenge is clear: do not just teach about godly marriage—live it. That means examining not just what you say, but what you model.

Here’s a practical next step: hire a marriage coach. Just as you invest in leadership training or pastoral mentoring, investing in your marriage with a coach is wise stewardship. It shows your congregation that health at home matters.

The Marriage You Want is not about perfection. It’s about honesty, equity, and shared purpose. It’s about letting go of control and walking in love. Pastors, read it with your spouse. Talk through it. Then ask: What are we modeling? The answer may shape the health of your home—and your church—for years to come.